Below are 10 points that may help those trying to decide whether or not they need to step in and give their parents a little extra help:

1. They are having trouble driving, either they have been in an accident or received tickets recently.
2. Forgetting important tasks such as taking medication
3. They display poor hygiene: clothes are dirty and they are not groomed
4. They have recently fallen or injured themselves. 
5. They are no longer keeping up with household chores
6. They are eating poorly or not eating at all
7.  They have become confused and/or depressed
8. They are not keeping track of their finances
9. They have stopped talking to friends and family/not participating in hobbies
10. They cannot control their bowels/bladder

If you are noticing any of the above, it is time to have a discussion with your loved one and perhaps make an appointment for further evaluation.  This way, it doesn’t seem as if you are the one taking their independence away.  Instead, they will be hearing from either a physician, or other professional.  Be sure to involve your parents as much as possible in any decisions that are made. The purpose of the assessment is to get a better understanding of their physical and mental health and what can be done to improve their quality of life.

One reason why it is difficult to visit your loved one is because you don’t know what to do in the time that you’re there.  Having an activity planned is a great way to spend time with them.  Bring something with you that your loved one likes to do.  For example, reading a favorite book or poetry is a great way to spend time together as well as listening to a favorite artist or composer.  If you can play an instrument, the piano for instance, the experience will be even better.  This will be not only entertaining for your loved one, but for others as well.   

Another suggestion is to bring some treasured items from the past such as pictures.  Talk to your loved one about these items and about the people in them.  You may be surprised about how well their memory is for things that happened years ago.  You can even share stories that happened in their past, they will enjoy reliving these moments. 

Games are another fun activity to do with your loved one.  Cards, or even the “brain games” that are made specifically for those who have Alzheimer’s, are a great way to spend your visits.  Even something as simple as painting their finger nails can be enjoyable.  Perhaps you can check with the community and obtain the monthly event calendar.  Plan your visits around the events the community already has in place.  It will be a great way to interact. 

Additionally, sharing a meal with your loved one may also be a great way to spend time with them.  This will give you both something to do and not put so much pressure on you.   The most important thing here is to keep trying things and find out what works best for the two of you.  Don’t spend your time focusing on the things your loved one can no longer accomplish, instead find some fun activities and simply enjoy spending time with one another.

1.  During this process, you and your loved one will not agree on majority of the issues. However, make sure to choose your battles wisely.  Do not make an argument out of little things that are not directly related to their health and safety.  This is going to be a long process, so don’t expect to accomplish everything in one day!
2. Stay strong and don’t get discouraged.  Understand that change is hard and your loved one is most likely not going to be happy about it. Your goal is to help them, which unfortunately is not the same thing as making them happy.  Most importantly, do not tell them that they will be much happier with help or new surroundings. You cannot control their feelings and they may resent your promises of happiness. 
3. When having these discussions, be sure to avoid rehashing past arguments.  Stay focused on what is happening now and what needs to be done about it. Make sure to involve your loved one in all of the decisions you are making.  If you decide to hire help, let your loved one take control of the interview process.  If you decide a community is better for them, let them pick the community. 
4. Additionally, devise a backup plan.  Know about what resources are available to you.  By doing so you will be prepared for anything.  If you start out with in home care, figure out what the next step is before you get there.  Have a plan for your loved one before they need hospitalization.  What would you do if your loved one fell? Having ideas and resources at hand will make any situation easier and less stressful! Plus, you won’t be choosing something because of a time factor.  Take the time now to figure out the what ifs. 
5. Most seniors have difficulty with admitting help because it makes them feel like a burden.  Try to make a deal.  Tell them you will help them with something, and in return they can help you with something else.  This way, you are still making them feel that they can still achieve a sense of dignity. 

I’ve discovered that planting something new is fun, even though I have had some challenges along the way. 

I started out building a trellis since the vines will need support and I came across a bit of a setback.  I began digging 5 holes that are 15” square and 15” deep and somehow managed to cut the telephone wire, the television cable, and the water line for my sprinklers!! 3 out of 5 isn’t bad now is it?

Finally, after all of the damages were taken care of, I was able to erect a trellis and plant a Thompson Seedless Vine (check previous blog regarding zones to know what type of vine to purchase).  Depending on how much room you have to work with, you can plant more than one, but I suggest if you are starting out like me, one or two will be enough!

During this process I have learned that it is very important to prepare the vine before planting. Submerge the vine in a bucket of water for at least six hours.  Do not let the roots of the vines dry out, or you will have little success.  If you are planting a lot of vines, wrap damp cloths around the roots to keep them moist.   

Also, make sure to thoroughly water the planting holes that you have dug and add water to the hole while filling it with the soil.  This ensures that there will be no air pockets.  After you have gotten the vine planted, water it once a week for the first month and then water based on how dry the soil is.  Do not let the soil get dry deep down, so if the top soil is starting to look dry, it is time to water.  For reference, one inch of water will reach about one foot below ground, so use this to determine how much water is needed.
Remember, grapes take a long time to grow, so you will not be able to harvest right away.  Sometimes it can take anywhere between 4 and 6 years from planting to harvest.  Therefore, you must be patient and have the time.

Avocados These fruits are loaded with healthy fats and help reduce cholesterol.

Walnuts full of omega-3 fatty acids. Eat a handful or two a day.

Green Vegetables Focus on leafy or deeply colored vegetables. Increasing servings of fruits and vegetables to 5 a day could decrease risks of heart disease, cancer and high blood pressure. Start with 5 servings and work your way up to the optimum level of 9 servings a day.

Water Make water your primary beverage.

Berries are full of antioxidants that are used by the body to make repairs and help prevent damage caused by aging.

Green Tea is another great source of antioxidants.

Red wine contains a substance called resveratrol that helps the body fight off age-related illnesses.

Beans are a great source of protein and antioxidants.

Melons contain many vitamins and are pulpy so that they are filling and satisfying.

Chocolate (dark chocolate) loaded with healthy chemicals for your body. (See Previous Blog “Health Benefits of Chocolate”)

Remember that resistance is natural and since seniors want to stay independent as long as possible, understand that they are going to defy change.  Even though you may become frustrated, know that change is difficult for everyone, no matter their age.  Try to put yourself in their situation and think about how you would like to be treated when and if this happens to you.  No one likes to admit that they need help from someone, especially when it comes to something they are so used to doing on their own. 

Unless safety is an immediate factor, introduce changes slowly allowing your loved one time to adjust.  At first they are going to see your help and effort to introduce changes to their lifestyle as offensive, so do not force them into anything.  They will come around and see that the changes will benefit them and then start to accept them.  We need to get them past the initial denial that they need help. 

If the changes you introduce are not being accepted, give them a little more time and then try again.  The best thing to do is not to get impatient.  Showing that you are annoyed also shows that you do not understand.  If frustrated, back away from the situation because interacting in this manner will do more harm to your well being as well as your loved ones.  Perhaps offer a trial period; this way they still have the option of making their own decision and feel as though they have more control over their life.  Most likely, they will come to realize during this trial that the help is actually needed and move forward with the changes. 

Additionally, when having the discussions with your loved one, be sure to suggest that they need help and know when to stop pushing.  Do not make it seem as though they need assistance as a result of their limitations, but as a way for them to enjoy other activities and not the burden of keeping house.  If you force something upon them that they are not ready to accept, this will affect your relationship in a very negative way. 

During the process, be gentle and try your best to find ways to compliment them in what they have been doing.  By boosting their sense of pride, it might help them better understand that the goal is to help them maintain as much control over their lives as possible, not take it away.

Because of the sensitivity of the subject, so many people put off having the conversation, which is one of the worst things you can do.  Avoidance will never solve a problem.  It will only make it more difficult when the time comes to step in and make a decision.  If you wait, you will have a lot of convincing and arguing ahead of you.

It may not seem like an appropriate conversation, but you need to ask questions to find out what your parents want, so that you can honor their wishes.  Find out what they want to do if their spouse passes away.  Ask them if they would prefer moving to a community or having a caregiver.  Each of your parents might have different opinions and by starting the conversation, this will help them start thinking about the “what ifs” and how they want you to help handle them.  If there is a plan already in place, things will go more smoothly.

There are programs out there that can help you in making important decisions such as, whether or not your loved one would be better living in an assisted living community, or even providing simple tips on how to continue to care for mom or dad on your own.  Sometimes just finding someone who can listen is a great aid to those facing this challenge. 

Here is a list of services and support groups that can save you valuable time and stress: 

The Alzheimer’s Association http://www.alz.org/apps/findus.asp

Senior Advice http://www.senioradvice.com/index.php

Foundation for Senior Living http://www.fsl.org/

The National Association of Area Agencies on Aging http://www.n4a.org/about-n4a/

A Place for Mom www.aplaceformom.com

 There are also a couple of Group Pages on Facebook that may help:

 Guiding Your Aging Parents http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?v=info&ref=mf&id=1298757345#/group.php?gid=250773668486

Adult Children of Aging Parents http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/group.php?gid=65386071640

If you know of any other groups not listed here, please share with us.

• Do I want to travel? If so, can I budget enough to go out of country, or can I explore places within a few hours of my home?
• What are some activities that I have been putting off that I would like to do now that I am retired?

After you have figured out what you expect to get out of retirement, also consider what your current balance sheet looks like.  What do you own and what do you owe? If you are the only person in your household, create a personal balance sheet, but if not be sure to look at your entire household’s assets and liabilities.  When listing your assets, make sure to include your social security benefits and the discounted value of your future wages.  For your liability, put together your lifestyle needs as well as funds that could be used for other liabilities, such as any unforeseen expenses. 

Additionally, list all of the expenses and income sources you will have in retirement.  Ideally, your social security, annuities, and income from bonds and CDs should all pay for your fixed expenses, which in essence is your standard of living.  By putting a list together such as this, it may make you more aware that the kind of lifestyle you are living now has an impact on what your lifestyle will be like in the future.  The best thing to do would be to always think long term.  Avoid any foreseeable disruptions by budgeting for all predictable liabilities.  

The next step is to assess all your retirement risks and put them into your retirement plan.  For example, health care and inflation are two factors that must be considered.  Once you have identified your risks, find out whether or not the consequences can or cannot be ignored.  Most people fail to think about the long-term and outliving assets.  The good news is that if you can identify the possible risks, you can manage them.   Some solutions may be insurance or even risk free assets.  Put together your portfolio and allocate your percent of assets with your techniques on risk management. 

Overall, the best thing to do is talk to a Financial Adviser and go over what you expect out of retirement and how you need to budget and invest now, to make your retirement as enjoyable as you’ve imagined.

Most assisted living communities have an activities director and a wide variety of groups to join.  On your visits, ask for the activities calendar and see if there are any activities planned that spark your interest.  Pay attention to what kind of activities are offered and how many.  If the activities calendar is jam-packed with items, yet none of them are of any quality, you may want to keep looking.  Also, if there are activities that you are really interested in participating in, most likely the current residents are interested too, meaning you will be surrounding with people who enjoy the same things you do. 

Location

Location is also something to take into consideration when choosing an assisted living community.  Usually people look for a community that is near where they currently live or an area they are really familiar with; however, these places may not be best.  Remember the other categories we discussed and find out what is most important to you.  Sure it may be nice to be closer to the kids, but your kids would also be more willing to drive further if they know your health and safety are taken care of. 

Some other important things to look for in a location are how close you are to hospitals and medical facilities.  Even though this may not be a concern of yours now, it might be in the future.  Also, what other attractions are nearby? Are you close to shopping centers? This might not be an issue if the community offers transportation, but if you need to hire a service or a taxi it may become expensive.

Atmosphere

What are your first impressions when walking into the community? Are you greeted? Is it attractive and homelike? Are current residents social? Do they look like they are enjoying themselves? Speak to some residents and find out.  They will have the best opinions because they are experiencing the community first hand. 

In addition, some communities welcome small pets.  If this is important for you, start looking at communities that are pet friendly.  If you are allergic to animals, or don’t particularly care for them, but the community you like welcomes pets, find out what their rules are.  Some may only allow pets in the private apartments or in certain areas.

Hopefully these tips will help you in the decision on choosing your future home.  Consider all the pros and cons of each community and discuss with others.  Even though you need to pick what is best for you, friends and family may think or see something you missed.  When you have a few in mind, contact the Better Business Bureau and see if any complaints or legal actions have been made on these communities.  It is also good to find out if these communities are licensed.  Ask them for a copy of their latest inspection.  If they are up to code, they should have no problem providing you with the information you need to make this decision.